...and this is the problem.
Pure and simple. But before I tackle this, let me just go back a few weeks.
We put our parents to rest at Arlington Cemetery on May 17th. I was unaware of the emotional upheaval that would accompany the burial of our parents. The upheaval from the deaths was plenty. But now we have a place to go. They have been buried with honor, and with pomp and circumstance, and it was good to see family again. I am happy for this.
I stayed a few days later, just because I wanted to. I brought my spinning wheel thinking I would need the comfort, but I was so exhausted from the emotion of the day, I couldn't deal with it. I was glad it was there, however.
But I digress. Seriously. I just didn't want to expand on the meaning of my blog title.
I am not my passion.
I do not give myself the same tenderness and thought as I give the notes that fly from my mouth when I perform.
I am seeing someone to help with my grief and my growth. She is wonderful, she has helped, I am blessed.
The one thing that keeps coming back is that I do not accept myself. As I am.
Physically.
I have been brainwashed. I believe that I am unable to be everything I can be, because this society has taught me so, and my brain believes.
I KNOW THIS IS NOT TRUE, but the damage is pretty fucking bad. I know my worth, and better yet, I know my spiritual self, and I know her to be powerful on a level that surpasses my understanding.
But still, I keep getting in the way of my acceptance of self.
My acceptance is the key to my freedom, and this is the fight that I've been avoiding for a long long time. I have come face to face with it time and time again, and I turn, do what I have to do DESPITE it, and retreat to my hovel of shame.
I am not looking for comment, or asking for help. I know the solution. I am sharing this now becuase sometimes, things need to be said aloud, written or shared before they are made real. This is probably going to be the biggest fight I've fought thus far.
I will win.
I will win hard.