Singing for my Supper

Day before 'Moving Day'...

Tomorrow I leave this one bedroom apartment to share a much bigger 2 bedroom walk-up with a 25 year old Italian.  Haven't met him yet, so I'll keep you up to date on that front.  Apparently, he's got a gig at a cafe, and is here on a permanent basis.  I'm renting out the owners room while she's on a Yoga retreat to India.  So it's packing, and cleaning up.  This place was a wonderful way for me to get 'sea legs'.  I've met great people, I'm pretty well acclimated, and I got to see the Eiffel Tower sparkle at night.  It doesn't get much better than that.  Thankfully, I didn't spread myself out TOO much, and decided early on, to keep the place tidy enough that cleaning up wouldn't be more than wiping off surfaces, cleaning the bathroom, and just making things look nice again.  So, it will be an easy transition.  Take a €6 cab ride to my new place walk up a few flights of stairs et voilá!  

2 more months in Paris!

Wow.  

I gotta say, that's prety amazing. And I'm really thankful for all the love and support from the 5 people that will read this blog post, and the many, many others that will have missed it.  This trip is turning out to be healing in so many ways. It's really an amazing thing that's happening here.  I finally forgave myself for something I didn't even need forgiving for, I'm realizing how much more free I really am here, I'm more confident out in public, my foot's getting better (thank you Voltaren®), meeting new people every time I go out and sing, it's really a great thing.  I couldn't be happier.  Life is slower here. I sometimes forget that I don't have an itinerary and start stressing out about what I HAVE to do...oh wait.  I'm not on a schedule. So, then I go knitting somewhere, or sit in a café.  

Letting go like this for me was such a necessity. I don't think I would have done well staying in the Bay Area for much longer.  I'm glad I had the opportunity to do this, and I'm glad that I took it. 

Will share pictures of the new place later.

Ciao

Rainy day in Paris...

So, it's raining...well, it rained..and we're supposed to have rain most of the day today..

I have no rain gear, and it's a Sunday.  One thing I've noticed on Sundays, is that the church going French people are up and about.  Those the not church going type?? They sleep the fuck in.  Boy.  It's like abandoned streets.  It might have to do with the fact that half the city is out of town, but something tells me it's not much different. And I think that also has a lot to do with that the French are on the town all night Saturday night...holy crap.  They are a social people.  It's kinda cool. 

So, I'm getting a lot of letters and posts wondering how I am, what I'm doing, have I seen this or that yet...and my answer to all those is I'm fine, I'm doing what I have to do, and quite honestly, I will see the things I want to see on my own time.  So, now that that's out of the way...this is becoming a more introspective trip than I had intended...and realized it needed more than a month to really blossom and grow. By the end of this month, I will have battled my fear of getting out and trying to communicate (being in a COUNTRY of people who are not speaking the same language as you is a bit daunting).  I have experienced the nasty parisian and he's not all that bad, he's just an asshole. Just like our assholes. And when you tip the asshole cab driver even though he bitched about driving me back the way I came and further down by a 1/2 mile,  because I got lost and have a bum foot, he shuts up, even though he was an asshole.  Asshole Parisian: CHECK!

So, yeah. I'm having a lot introspection here, and actually also didn't realize how closed up I've been.  I have a lot of work to do here, folks.  More than I realized.  My reason for booking this trip was because I wanted to do something new for me in a month that makes me melancholy and sad.  I can't escape that (though that was my idea at first) and I never will.  I came to that conclusion pretty quickly.  Nothing will be able to keep me from remembering the month of August. Nothing. So, perhaps in that respect, I've failed, but being here has most definitely changed my brain process.  When you put yourself in a new place, you have to think quickly and on your feet. You don't have the time to be anything but in the moment.  So, perhaps I haven't failed.  I've definitely not been depressed or deeply saddened.  At all!  Not once.  I remember, I reflect, I cry, I move on. It's a good process.

Now that I have committed myself to 2 more months of this, I am finding that I'm relaxing even more...that I can let go of even more than I already have. There really is a lot of blocked up bullshit in these bones. I have met some people who have really been joyous additions to my life, and the ones who've stuck with me, whose voices haunt me, are the ones who hurt me.  For the love of Pete...why do I do this? I'm not remarkable, not unlike many people, but man.  Why do we give a shit about the people who've done NOTHING but fuck with us?  It's work in progress.  It will be beat out only by my singing, only by my joy and only by my terms.  

There is the self-confidence that I lack.  Some due to the above, most due to my not believing in myself. My judging myself based on the judgement others throw upon me.  Which is NOT me. 

There are mountains to be climbed here, and one month wasn't gonna cut it. I would have come back better, but not really. I still have one week here.  I would have had to leave this coming Saturday.  Holy crap...so glad I am staying longer.  I'm not ready yet.  I'm not done cookin'.  

I'm not done yet. 

J

 

Dawning of the...uh...dawn? I guess...

I'm at the end of my third week in France.  I have a lot of work to do. Take out the trash, make sure I get a package being delivered, get some toilet paper, you know.  Important stuff. 

I've taken most of this week off.  Between my foot not being a really great companion in the whole "walking" thing, it's been a bit of a nuisance trying to walk around, and I got word that there's a great product out that should help my foot, so I'm heading out today to get me some, do some minor shopping, deal with getting money for the new place (I have a daily limit, so I have to do it in 2 trips) and just minor stuff.  I'm taking this week, for all intents and purposes, off.  Time to take a breath, look around, and see what's what.  

And what I see is something new.  But I can't see what it is, just yet. 

But it involves me reminding myself of parts that I've left alone in a corner and need to coax them back to the light again, and in other cases, just to let go and be receptive to the new that's coming in.  

But it all comes to it's inevitable conclusion...

My name...is...NEO! 

I'm sorry, I love that movie, and that was the inevitable conclusion to that previous sentence...but yea. I gotta get in touch with my Neo.  And what's the greek word Neo mean????   Huh?  Come on...You can do it...

Yup.  

I'm on my own Matrix trip, baby!  

Awesome! 

J

Paris, stuff and things...

Bonjour!

Comment allez-vous?

Ça va? 

Bien, bien. 

Oú est la banque?

La Banque c'est vermé.

What? I dunno...scratch that.  I'm on Rosetta Stone and my head hurts.  

Hi, y'all.  Hello from Paris. No big news, no, I haven't been to Père Lachaise, no I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower yet, yes, I'm singing, and...yeah.  That's about it. 

But I did lie...

There may be some news...but I have to wait until tomorrow. 

Tomorrow around 4am your time, I'll know if I can say it or not. 

It's not a job offer, or anything like that, but on that note, I'm meeting a lot of great people and lots of expats, and the scene is jumpin' around here...every night.  People are out EVERY NIGHT around here.  It's crazy awesome.

I am still taking a rest of the foot, but have insider knowledge of a pain creme that's supposed to do the trick.  Nothing yet, but I am told it is the shizz-nit. We shall see. 

I hate to leave you in such a lurch but...well, sucks to be you!  Ha!  I'm kidding.  No, I don't mean that. 

But it was kinda funny...

I love you all, I'll let you know what's going on soon!  Whee!

Bon Soir, mon amis!

J

 

Newbie...

I am so enjoying all the back and forth with all my friends through various media, and through this blog.  I keep looking back at all the responses I've gotten and suggestions, and whatnot, and somehow feel a little odd. Chances are very great, that I'm not going to spend the majority of my time seeing anything more than a few things, and strangely, I'm OK with that.  Because honestly, I can say with all sincerity, that I will probably avoid MOST tourist thingys...I will go on the bus thing.  But this trip isn't as much about touristy things.  It's about moving forward, and up. Mostly forward!

Writing some more on my OWS (one woman show) which is awesome.  And finding a lot of freewrite is the order of the day. As adventurous as my taking this trip may seem to some, I'm actually amazed I did it, because at the core, I'm so cautious about everything.  I'm afraid of things going wrong, BEING wrong, being illegal, disturbing others (not to confuse cautious and courteous here), but this trip may be less about me making it in Paris as a singer and more about me growing as a person.  I will strive to do both, make no mistake, but I'm thinking I can't very well leave here and be the same person I was when I left CA.  This hesitation, this cautiousness is something I want to leave behind.  It's masked in fear and other nonsense, and I need it gone.  It's been here a long while.  I still care too much (for me) about what people think about me. I can be such an amazing wimp. And I can no longer be one. This is about listening to alarms, and discerning one alarm from the next.  Am I afraid because I am in MORTAL danger, or am I just unsure that this is such a good thing to do?  Most times I opt for safety.  This is not always the best course. So, there's that.

Cynthia just arrived.  She's sleeping.  She asked me to get her up after an hour, and since she didn't sleep on the plane AT ALL, I'mma let her stay down at least until 1:30.  That'll be 3 hours.  That oughta get her at least upright and able to tell up from down. I took a nap myself, seeing as I got up early to let her in. It will be good to have her here.  She can fully steady me on my feet, and give me the confidence to ride out the remaining weeks when she leaves.  I am blessed that she wanted to and could take the time to be here. I really need this more than I realized. 

A bientôt, 

J

A day to review...

Hey y'all, 

Yup.  I had a good day yesterday.  So good in fact, I barely noticed how beautiful it was when I got to Notre Dame and that it had been downright overcast when I left.  It's funny when you're in your bubble, what you do and don't notice.  Yesterday was pretty amazing.

I haven't been on any sort of itinerary, except for a self-imposed one, for a while.  I've been out of 'work' for going on 3 years now, and fortune rained upon me in the form of selling the family house (which, quite honestly, is so much more of a loss than the job).  That is what made this trip to France possible.  I am SO happy I did it.  No regrets here. 

In this strange, new land, I have a self-imposed itinerary which basically is, to get out at least once every day.  For...whatever.  Groceries, supplies, or just because.  Tonight, I made some inquiries and may be going to a jam tonight.  However, I'm not sure if it's open.  I did arrive the month AFTER all the jazz fests, and all that, and most clubs have closed for the season.  I did not take that into account when I planned this trip, because...hey.  Music should be all the time, everywhrere, right?  Nope.  But it's not a total loss.  There are some places that are open closer to city center that might still be open this month for most of the tourist community, I assume, so...hopefully, the place I inquired about is open. 

If not, there is the matter of this One Woman Show I've been tossing around in my brain for several years, that has reached a bit of a stand still. But since I arrived here, I have said to myself, at least 3 times a day; "One woman show, remember that one woman show, you could start working on that one woman show...".

If I am unable to dig my toes into the scene here, I will have plenty of opportunity to work on something I've pushed to the side, again and again, because I had no faith that it would work, or more to the point...I was scared of it.  I'm finding that the things that scare you, need to be done immediately, if not sooner. Because...What's the worst that will happen.  

"NO"?  

And really is that the WORST that can happen?

Actually...yeah.  It kinda is. 

So, screw it.  One Woman Show...Ho! (Save your snark)

 

J