Singing for my Supper

New gets newer...

I have moved into the new apartment. 

It is a little ways out of Paris, but when put against the wall to find a place, you take what you can take.  Arguably, I procrastinated on finding a place in hopes I just might get "lucky" like I did with my other place.  No such luck.  Thankfully, a little more plugging helped me to find a site that helped me stay in Paris. 

Interesitng that I find myself having old, bad habits.  

Judgement. 

Of myself, where I am and how "inconvenient" it is.  In the last place, I could walk for 3 minutes in either direction find a patisserie, a grocery store and a cafe.  Here, not so much.  I have a little more of a commute which, honestly, is not that bad.  In any way.  I can be in Paris proper 10 minutes by RER (that's like Caltrain).  What's the problem?  The only problem is late nights and gigs that go beyond the time when the trains stop running, which does suck, but you make do...

I am realizing how tremendously stupid judgement is, and how extremely USELESS it is.  It serves nothing.  It serves no one. It does nothing but reiterate how much unnecessary entitlement one has, and in this place, has NO weight nor meaning.  I am ashamed that I do this, but know I'm not alone in this.  Everyone judges something be it their job, their coworker, whatever...but today, the fact that I have made a way to stay here in Paris even longer than before, is freakin' fantastic!   And for a second I could not do that, because I was pointing out why where I am sucks. 

WHERE I AM DOES NOT SUCK!

I AM IN FUCKING FRANCE!!

...and I forgot that for a second.

The road ahead...

So, 

It's been 3 months.  Trois mois.  

I know I haven't written a lot lately, and I think I'm over the "newness" of the place, and am starting to settle in.  So, there's not much to talk about.  Every new place I go, I take it in, marvel at it's grandeur and move on.  It's how you live in Paris...this place is rife with beauty, architecture, histoire and after a while, it's like..."Oh look another big ornate building."  I hate to say it.  But I get it. 

I am about to move out of this apartment, hopefully into another.  I'm going to stay, people.  I'm going to make myself a new home.  I will work on hopefully getting a work visa, I have a show to do in February here, and am gonna make sure I see this out. 

I'm letting go of the fear.   "Should" does not have any power here.  Sometimes, when I talk to people about how I just came on vacation and think about staying, some look at me sideways, like I'm crazy and give a hearty "good luck".  You can tell as they stare down at the ground as they say it that they think you're nuts to just uproot and move.  And, yeah.  It's pretty severe.  Crazy?  I don't know.  My feelings and my gut, though new to the concept of letting go of the fear, are saying pretty loudly to just keep going.  Because, it's all we got.  We just gotta keep going!  That's it.  That's all I'm going by right now.  It's all I have. 

And so far, so good. 

 

The quiet side...

I have been doing nothing.  

Absolutely nothing.  

My mind loves it.  

My body loves it. 

I am slowly, but surely, doing a...detox, of sorts. 

From too much information, running through my brain (points to whoever can guess the ref here).  

From too much input.  

Too much bright lights. 

Too much distraction. 

I'm not going out a lot.  I'm hardly going out at all this week (though I did sing last night). 

It is the very first time, that I have honestly stopped. 

Truly. Stopped. 

And it is healing me. 

I'm still a little tired even after 9 hours of sleep, which says to me that I have abused myself more than I had realized. So far on this trip, besides all the singing in clubs, monuments and sightseeing, I have realized that stopping...the act of doing absolutely nothing is exactly what needed to happen. To have no worries, no expectations, no self-imposed schedule.  Nothing. 

Everyone should do this. Barring, of course, the necessary hygiene, etc...

I'm also realizing how I need to take care of myself, what that entails, and how to accomplish it.  Which is what I sorely needed in all of this. 

My left heel is painful.  I am losing weight what with all the walking I have to do to get anywhere, which is great.  The act of walking is helping me lose weight, the less weight takes off the stress from the heel, but it will be a vicious cycle for a while.  My gait is suffering as I work out how to minimize the pain, but still walk straight.  My lower half is very cranky. 

I need to find toiletries, and hair accoutrements. 

Paolo, my 25 old, very cute, Italian roommate, is adorable, sweet and works at Illa...the Italian coffee conglomerate...managing.  I, am going to have great coffee from here on out every morning.  Godess be praised! 

I am finding fewer reasons to return home.  As much as I love my family and friends, as it turns out, I'm contracted to sing 3 times in the next year with OEBGMC (Oakalnd East Bay Gay Men's Choir).  So...the way I see it, Barry (more points for ref.), I have to be home for at least a 2 week visit 3 times in the next 12 months.  Mind you, I have a place to live only until October, and do not know what October will bring. But again, I am making no plans, and still...no ticket.  This plan hasn't proven to be a bad one yet. 

I hope that y'all are doing well, know that I love you, and wish me luck. 

If I'm not back in October, I'll be back in December.  

J

 

 

Subconscious and dreams...

Last night, I dreamt about hanging with some good friends, at a carnival, then at their place.  The carnival was like any other, the ferris wheel, and the sky tram.  Sky tram was down, but 2 kids were stuck mid transit above a house, almost about to fall. I was kind of worried, but the kids weren't.  They were hanging out, and literally dangling out of the carriage, but with little to no worry on their account.  Ended up in the living room of friends, and a sleep over.  When I awoke, all the mess of beds, and couches, etc. were pushed to the side.  A clean tarmac with which to play.  I was naked and started a soliloquy written by John Lennon.  In fact was saying it with him.  Very dramatic. 

It was about 300 words long, and it was beautiful.  I don't remember a word of it. 

But it was real, and stunning and a message to me to clear the floor.  Clear my head.  

Then I can work. 

Au Revoir, for a while...

Over the last few days, I've been over-tired, over-stimulated, and not in a very good 'place' for where I am.  

I figured it out last night.  Since before I left, people were asking me if they could live "vicariously" through me, since they were unable to accompany me on this adventure.  Of course, I thought.  Absolutely!  Little did I know to what extent I would allow y'all to do that. 

Most of my days have been spent trying to "plan my day".  What should I be doing?  Wouldn't today be a good day to walk to Notre Dame? How about go sit at that cafe down the street?  Visit the Louvre? Travel to Versailles?  Why don't you just do blah, blah, blah? As wonderful as all these ideas are, I came to realize that I was doing them because this is what one SHOULD do when you're in Paris.  You go sightseeing.  You go experience new things every second of every day that you're here because, well...there's so much to do!  

I'M TIRED!  I'm SO fucking tired that I can't see straight, and cannot enjoy where I am.  I go out to shop and get food, because I need some sort of sustenance, hit the club that has pretty much adopted me, and that's it.  I have no bandwidth to do anything else.  I don't WANT to do anything else.  And do you know what it was BESIDES the lethargy and parade of old ghosts coming back for a go because my guard was down that REALLY reminded me what I needed to do?

Anthony Bourdain.  

I like to watch YouTube before bed.  Usually some comedian, something light and funny.  Well, my YouTube guide suggested I watch Anthony Bourdain's show Layover...in Paris.

I love Anthony Bourdain.  The show was for a 48 hour layover in Paris.  Of course, he KNOWS Paris like the back of his hand.  But he didn't go to all the shi-shi restaurants in town.  He highlighted the numerous, delicious, affordable restaurants you can find on any street, and sometimes in the nooks and crannies. And you know what his main message was? Paris is a place to slow down.  Have a coffee.  Have some bread.  Cheese. Paris is a place to be 'lived in' and enjoyed and the mistake that most people make is to jam pack their time in Paris with things to do.  Trips back and forth through the barrage of sightseeing 'chestnuts' and before you know it, you have to leave.  Well, quite honestly, that's what my time thus far has felt like.  Granted, I've seen some amazing things that have reduced me to tears of wonder, and was glad to see them.  Nee, spiritually changed in some instances.  But I've decided to live here for 3 months.  And I'm still in that mindset of thinking that I NEED to do this, and NEED to do that.  And that, my friends is absolutely wrong. 

I don't need to do this, nor that.  And you know what?  I'm probably not going to.  I don't know if I'll visit Luxembourg Gardens.  I don't know that I'll see the Arc de Triumph.  I'm debating a trip to Normandy, and Italy, but you know what? I'm probably not going to the Sorbonne.  I've already seen all the main Cathedrals and churches, and quite honestly, I'm sated for monuments and history and grandeur.  I have not sated myself.  I have not taken care of what I need.  And there, my friends, is the crux of the biscuit. 

I'm signing off.   This will be my last FB post for a while. I don't need to tell you every minute of my day, and quite frankly, I think it's destroying my time here.  I have to spend time in serious self-convalesence for mind, body and soul.  And when I think I can hack it, I might let you know what I've been up to. Y'all are wonderful my dear friends and family, but I really need to unplug.  If you need to talk to me you will know how to get in touch with me.  

Much love dear friends and family.

I'm out!

J

Day before 'Moving Day'...

Tomorrow I leave this one bedroom apartment to share a much bigger 2 bedroom walk-up with a 25 year old Italian.  Haven't met him yet, so I'll keep you up to date on that front.  Apparently, he's got a gig at a cafe, and is here on a permanent basis.  I'm renting out the owners room while she's on a Yoga retreat to India.  So it's packing, and cleaning up.  This place was a wonderful way for me to get 'sea legs'.  I've met great people, I'm pretty well acclimated, and I got to see the Eiffel Tower sparkle at night.  It doesn't get much better than that.  Thankfully, I didn't spread myself out TOO much, and decided early on, to keep the place tidy enough that cleaning up wouldn't be more than wiping off surfaces, cleaning the bathroom, and just making things look nice again.  So, it will be an easy transition.  Take a €6 cab ride to my new place walk up a few flights of stairs et voilá!  

2 more months in Paris!

Wow.  

I gotta say, that's prety amazing. And I'm really thankful for all the love and support from the 5 people that will read this blog post, and the many, many others that will have missed it.  This trip is turning out to be healing in so many ways. It's really an amazing thing that's happening here.  I finally forgave myself for something I didn't even need forgiving for, I'm realizing how much more free I really am here, I'm more confident out in public, my foot's getting better (thank you Voltaren®), meeting new people every time I go out and sing, it's really a great thing.  I couldn't be happier.  Life is slower here. I sometimes forget that I don't have an itinerary and start stressing out about what I HAVE to do...oh wait.  I'm not on a schedule. So, then I go knitting somewhere, or sit in a café.  

Letting go like this for me was such a necessity. I don't think I would have done well staying in the Bay Area for much longer.  I'm glad I had the opportunity to do this, and I'm glad that I took it. 

Will share pictures of the new place later.

Ciao

Rainy day in Paris...

So, it's raining...well, it rained..and we're supposed to have rain most of the day today..

I have no rain gear, and it's a Sunday.  One thing I've noticed on Sundays, is that the church going French people are up and about.  Those the not church going type?? They sleep the fuck in.  Boy.  It's like abandoned streets.  It might have to do with the fact that half the city is out of town, but something tells me it's not much different. And I think that also has a lot to do with that the French are on the town all night Saturday night...holy crap.  They are a social people.  It's kinda cool. 

So, I'm getting a lot of letters and posts wondering how I am, what I'm doing, have I seen this or that yet...and my answer to all those is I'm fine, I'm doing what I have to do, and quite honestly, I will see the things I want to see on my own time.  So, now that that's out of the way...this is becoming a more introspective trip than I had intended...and realized it needed more than a month to really blossom and grow. By the end of this month, I will have battled my fear of getting out and trying to communicate (being in a COUNTRY of people who are not speaking the same language as you is a bit daunting).  I have experienced the nasty parisian and he's not all that bad, he's just an asshole. Just like our assholes. And when you tip the asshole cab driver even though he bitched about driving me back the way I came and further down by a 1/2 mile,  because I got lost and have a bum foot, he shuts up, even though he was an asshole.  Asshole Parisian: CHECK!

So, yeah. I'm having a lot introspection here, and actually also didn't realize how closed up I've been.  I have a lot of work to do here, folks.  More than I realized.  My reason for booking this trip was because I wanted to do something new for me in a month that makes me melancholy and sad.  I can't escape that (though that was my idea at first) and I never will.  I came to that conclusion pretty quickly.  Nothing will be able to keep me from remembering the month of August. Nothing. So, perhaps in that respect, I've failed, but being here has most definitely changed my brain process.  When you put yourself in a new place, you have to think quickly and on your feet. You don't have the time to be anything but in the moment.  So, perhaps I haven't failed.  I've definitely not been depressed or deeply saddened.  At all!  Not once.  I remember, I reflect, I cry, I move on. It's a good process.

Now that I have committed myself to 2 more months of this, I am finding that I'm relaxing even more...that I can let go of even more than I already have. There really is a lot of blocked up bullshit in these bones. I have met some people who have really been joyous additions to my life, and the ones who've stuck with me, whose voices haunt me, are the ones who hurt me.  For the love of Pete...why do I do this? I'm not remarkable, not unlike many people, but man.  Why do we give a shit about the people who've done NOTHING but fuck with us?  It's work in progress.  It will be beat out only by my singing, only by my joy and only by my terms.  

There is the self-confidence that I lack.  Some due to the above, most due to my not believing in myself. My judging myself based on the judgement others throw upon me.  Which is NOT me. 

There are mountains to be climbed here, and one month wasn't gonna cut it. I would have come back better, but not really. I still have one week here.  I would have had to leave this coming Saturday.  Holy crap...so glad I am staying longer.  I'm not ready yet.  I'm not done cookin'.  

I'm not done yet. 

J

 

Dawning of the...uh...dawn? I guess...

I'm at the end of my third week in France.  I have a lot of work to do. Take out the trash, make sure I get a package being delivered, get some toilet paper, you know.  Important stuff. 

I've taken most of this week off.  Between my foot not being a really great companion in the whole "walking" thing, it's been a bit of a nuisance trying to walk around, and I got word that there's a great product out that should help my foot, so I'm heading out today to get me some, do some minor shopping, deal with getting money for the new place (I have a daily limit, so I have to do it in 2 trips) and just minor stuff.  I'm taking this week, for all intents and purposes, off.  Time to take a breath, look around, and see what's what.  

And what I see is something new.  But I can't see what it is, just yet. 

But it involves me reminding myself of parts that I've left alone in a corner and need to coax them back to the light again, and in other cases, just to let go and be receptive to the new that's coming in.  

But it all comes to it's inevitable conclusion...

My name...is...NEO! 

I'm sorry, I love that movie, and that was the inevitable conclusion to that previous sentence...but yea. I gotta get in touch with my Neo.  And what's the greek word Neo mean????   Huh?  Come on...You can do it...

Yup.  

I'm on my own Matrix trip, baby!  

Awesome! 

J

Paris, stuff and things...

Bonjour!

Comment allez-vous?

Ça va? 

Bien, bien. 

Oú est la banque?

La Banque c'est vermé.

What? I dunno...scratch that.  I'm on Rosetta Stone and my head hurts.  

Hi, y'all.  Hello from Paris. No big news, no, I haven't been to Père Lachaise, no I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower yet, yes, I'm singing, and...yeah.  That's about it. 

But I did lie...

There may be some news...but I have to wait until tomorrow. 

Tomorrow around 4am your time, I'll know if I can say it or not. 

It's not a job offer, or anything like that, but on that note, I'm meeting a lot of great people and lots of expats, and the scene is jumpin' around here...every night.  People are out EVERY NIGHT around here.  It's crazy awesome.

I am still taking a rest of the foot, but have insider knowledge of a pain creme that's supposed to do the trick.  Nothing yet, but I am told it is the shizz-nit. We shall see. 

I hate to leave you in such a lurch but...well, sucks to be you!  Ha!  I'm kidding.  No, I don't mean that. 

But it was kinda funny...

I love you all, I'll let you know what's going on soon!  Whee!

Bon Soir, mon amis!

J

 

Newbie...

I am so enjoying all the back and forth with all my friends through various media, and through this blog.  I keep looking back at all the responses I've gotten and suggestions, and whatnot, and somehow feel a little odd. Chances are very great, that I'm not going to spend the majority of my time seeing anything more than a few things, and strangely, I'm OK with that.  Because honestly, I can say with all sincerity, that I will probably avoid MOST tourist thingys...I will go on the bus thing.  But this trip isn't as much about touristy things.  It's about moving forward, and up. Mostly forward!

Writing some more on my OWS (one woman show) which is awesome.  And finding a lot of freewrite is the order of the day. As adventurous as my taking this trip may seem to some, I'm actually amazed I did it, because at the core, I'm so cautious about everything.  I'm afraid of things going wrong, BEING wrong, being illegal, disturbing others (not to confuse cautious and courteous here), but this trip may be less about me making it in Paris as a singer and more about me growing as a person.  I will strive to do both, make no mistake, but I'm thinking I can't very well leave here and be the same person I was when I left CA.  This hesitation, this cautiousness is something I want to leave behind.  It's masked in fear and other nonsense, and I need it gone.  It's been here a long while.  I still care too much (for me) about what people think about me. I can be such an amazing wimp. And I can no longer be one. This is about listening to alarms, and discerning one alarm from the next.  Am I afraid because I am in MORTAL danger, or am I just unsure that this is such a good thing to do?  Most times I opt for safety.  This is not always the best course. So, there's that.

Cynthia just arrived.  She's sleeping.  She asked me to get her up after an hour, and since she didn't sleep on the plane AT ALL, I'mma let her stay down at least until 1:30.  That'll be 3 hours.  That oughta get her at least upright and able to tell up from down. I took a nap myself, seeing as I got up early to let her in. It will be good to have her here.  She can fully steady me on my feet, and give me the confidence to ride out the remaining weeks when she leaves.  I am blessed that she wanted to and could take the time to be here. I really need this more than I realized. 

A bientôt, 

J